Reflection

Heartbreak, Setbacks

06/19
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While I’ve never been a weekly poster, I don’t think I’ve ever taken quite this long of a break from blogging. One of my last blog posts was about Blake and I breaking up, with an optimistic, we’re-going-to-be-friends take. Ooh Vanessa, you stupid bitch. (That probably reads really harsh, but it’s just a Crazy Ex Girlfriend reference). But really, I’m not sure I could’ve ever predicted just how hard it would be. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried that much, that often, and felt that out of sorts.

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I don’t think it’s important to go into details, but I guess the turmoil I was experiencing can really be boiled down to a few bullet points.
·      I thought I made a mistake.
·      I just about died of hot-headed jealousy when I saw him with someone else.
·      I thought I made a mistake.
·      I began to doubt my judgment and went so far as to think I had ruined my life by ending things, and therefore any chance of happiness.
·      I thought I made a mistake.
·      I tried to get him back and he steadfastly refused. Many times.

Of course this must all sound melodramatic to an outside viewer, but when you’re in the thick of heartbreak and self-doubt, and it just won’t let go of its hold on you despite your many attempts to rise above it, it can truly be overwhelming and, not surprisingly, lead to some dark depression.
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The blog became one of many things in which I no longer had any interest. How could I say or write anything of value when I had a loop of like three dark thoughts in my head? Creating lifestyle content is damn near impossible when you feel your life is at a standstill.


Two things helped me through. Most of all, my family. And remarkably, an app.

I would call my sister, mom and dad often and they just let me be sad. They let me talk out my fears and my regrets and what I should’ve done differently, and blah blah blah. They reminded me of reality versus my skewed perspective but also, they just listened. My sister (and this will not surprise you if you know my sister) drew me a “Vanessa’s Building Blocks to Happiness” diagram. It’s the cutest, most thoughtful, and actually very useful thing anyone’s made for me!
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One thing I found myself doing was searching for resources – anything online I could consult and therefore not inundate my friends and family with my unrelenting misery. I found myself using the search bar on my favorite websites like Lenny Letter and Design Love Fest, just to see if there was anything written that I could relate to.

Since I wasn’t having much luck finding heartbreak content (ha, what a thing to be in the market for), and even less luck booking an appointment with a therapist (why is it so hard to find one that’s accepting new patients?!), I downloaded the new app from Mend. I wrote a post for them last year, and had seen on Instagram that they had just launched their app which was supposed to be like “a personal trainer for heartbreak.”
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The app became my digital bff. I really liked that the interface – the daily home screen that pops up when you open the app – functioned like a chat. The little bot asks how you’re doing and you respond with a straight face, crying face, happy face etc. And then when the bot responds, you get those three dots like she’s typing to you! I get how pathetic this sounds that I found comfort in a faux convo, but I’m telling you, it helped! Then you listen to your daily mini podcast and it prompts you to journal briefly.
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That ritual, just knowing that I was going to get some encouragement every day, was so helpful. Plus, the podcast is voiced by the founder of the company, who has such an empathetic voice and is around my age so she felt like a wise, relentlessly compassionate friend. By the way, this post isn’t sponsored in any way! I just genuinely found the app to be super helpful.

I feel compelled to say that I know there are many sadder and more serious things going on in the world right now, and that there’s something silly or first world problem-y about being so heartbroken. But what can I say, adjusting to life without “your person” is really really tough.
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I’m writing all of this as if I’m way past it. Truth is, it’s not all that far in the rearview mirror. But it is behind me. It’s gotten much easier lately; I’m so happy to have finally emerged from the darkness and be feeling more like myself. I’m even seeing someone I really like. But it’s still hard sometimes, and I’m making sure to do things to make sure I don’t backslide into Bummersville. One of those things is getting back to the things I enjoy, like blogging. I’ve created some new content recently and I’m excited to get back into the swing of things.

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All of this is to say, I’m back. 

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